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Post by Marty Da Hungry Wolf on Dec 8, 2012 6:30:12 GMT -5
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
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Post by Marty Da Hungry Wolf on Dec 8, 2012 6:51:26 GMT -5
A man, quite inebriated, walks in the front door of a bar. He makes his way to a barstool, climbs up, and orders a beer. The bartender, noticing the obviously intoxicated man, walks over and says "Sir, I'm sorry but I cannot serve you in this condition. I'll be happy to call a cab for you to see that you get home safely - my treat." The man glares at the bartender, mumbles to himself a bit, gets down off the barstool, and leaves thru the same door he entered.
A minute or two later, the same quite inebriated man walks in the side door of the same bar. He makes his way to the same barstool, climbs up, and orders a beer, this time with "feeling". The bartender, noticing the same obviously intoxicated man, walks over and says "Sir, I'm telling you - I will NOT provide you with another beer, you've obviously had too much to drink tonight. If you'd like, I WILL call you a cab." The man stares menacingly at the bartender, babbles incoherently for a few seconds, nearly falls off the barstool, and leaves thru the same door he entered.
Shortly, the same quite inebriated man walks in the rear door of the same bar. He makes his way to the same barstool, climbs up, and loudly and forcefully orders a beer. The bartender comes over and says "Look buddy - I'm getting tired of this. I'm gonna call either a cab or a police car, but you ARE leaving here RIGHT NOW."
The man looks at the bartender and says "Holy crap, how many bars do you work at?"
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Post by Marty Da Hungry Wolf on Dec 8, 2012 22:59:13 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender sees him and tells the man "Sir, you're welcome to stay but the monkey has to leave. We don't allow animals in here." The man replies "He won't cause any problems, I promise. If he does, I'll leave right away."
Unfortunately, mayhem ensues. The monkey is so excited to be in the bar that he jumps onto a nearby table, grabs food from a customer's plate, stuffs it in his mouth, and swallows it. He then jumps onto the bar, snatches the olive from a martini, stuffs it in his mouth, and eats that too. Then, the monkey jumps over to the pool table, takes the cue ball, stuffs it into his mouth, and it's gone.
This is the final straw - customers are outraged, their food, drink, and pool game have all been ruined by this out of control monkey. The bartender grabs the man by his shirt and throws him and the monkey through the doorway onto the sidewalk out front, and loudly orders the man NOT to bring the monkey back in there ever again.
Several nights later, though, the man and the monkey return. The bartender immediately confronts the man, but the man gives the bartender a $100.00 bill to cover the previous visit and swears to anything and everything that the monkey won't act as he did the last time.
The man was right; the monkey didn't act as he had the last time, he acted much worse. He climbed onto a table, grabbed food from a customer's plate, put it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. He then climbed onto the bar, took an olive from a martini, put it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
At this, the bartender angrily confronted the man. "What is your problem?!?! You came in last time and that damn monkey nearly caused a riot. Now look, people are mad; the lady he took the food from is heaving in the restroom ... Why the hell is he putting things up his butt and then eating them?!?!"
The man replied "Well, ever since our last visit, he won't eat anything before he measures it."
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Post by mattncsu02 on Dec 9, 2012 21:55:54 GMT -5
That last one is a killer! Bwahahaha!
I've got one.
The last thing I remember.....
So I walk into this bar and sit down on a stool beside two rather large women. I hear them talking and I'm intrigued by their accent. So I ask, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them angrily answers, "It's Wales you idiot!" I said, "Sorry, so are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.
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Post by Marty Da Hungry Wolf on Dec 10, 2012 6:18:47 GMT -5
Awesome.
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Post by Tizu on Dec 10, 2012 8:47:41 GMT -5
hahahaha!!!
Ok, this is an old corny one my father told me when I was little, but I still remember it:
3 strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up and says "I'll have a beer for me and 2 for my buddies". The bartender leans over and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here". He goes back to his buddies and tells them he wouldn't serve him. The next string goes up to the bar, and orders a beer for himself and 2 for his friends. The bartender again refused and told him "We don't serve strings here". He goes back and tells his friends the same as the first....so the 3rd string gets pissed, ties himself in a knot and goes up to the bar and says emphatically "One beer please!". The bartender came over and said "Look, I already told your other buddies, we don't serve strings in here!" The string said "I'm not a string." The bartender says, "yes you are..." The string interrupts him before he could finish and says "I'm a frayed knot!".
Corny, but you can thank my father. LOL
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Post by Marty Da Hungry Wolf on Dec 10, 2012 18:18:30 GMT -5
Heh. That's a good one.
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